Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Let's Go Back to College

Written by: Brandon "Monkey" Imp

I am like an old person. I go to sleep early and wake up even earlier. My joints hurt. Holding a conversation is tiring. I talk about food (a lot). I stumble over words during conversation. I have found myself drooling.

Six months and twenty days ago, I received a Cornell University diploma stamping my entrance into old-people world. I did not realize it, but that moment terminated my college lifestyle. We are in Hanover, NH and are staying in one of Dartmouth College's fraternity houses - I have returned to college physically, but that is it. I cannot enjoy late night partying and I no longer have a beer gut. I enjoy sitting by myself in a tent and allow a song to repeat in my head for hours at a time. There's an Organic Chemistry book sitting next to me and a force field is preventing me from touching it. Ugh!! This is terrible!! I might as well get Depends! I think I have crows feet!

This "return" to college has been frustrating. Since I, as a hiker and old person, cannot uphold the beer drinking life of a college frat boy, my stay at Dartmouth has been low-key while the life around us has been everything but. We started off our stay at Sigma Nu. The brothers were kind and happy to have guests. However, it was a pig pen - ever see Animal House? The trash had not been removed all summer. The living room had 17 couches and only 2 were intact. We were told the living room would be our bedroom for the night. Around 1:30 am when the brothers were still drunk, screaming, and carrying on in the living room, I went to find another place to sleep in the house. The quietest place was a random hallway with a window - I could still hear everything in the house, but it was the best I could do. I turned off the lights and lied down on the floor (smelled of vomit). Three minutes later, I heard flapping. I switched on the lights and THERE WERE BATS. BATS!! I haven't even seen bats in the woods! But there were two of them flying around in the hallway. I went back to the living room. Around 3 am, Ringleader got fed up - she walked down the street and beckoned to another frat to let us in. Phi Delt to the rescue! The guys were happy to host us, were relaxed, and set us up on whole couches in air conditioned rooms.

The experience was frustrating because I could not enjoy the frat life. I used to do that! Not too long ago! But now I get grumpy past 9 pm! It was like returning home to see that your friends had carried on living without you.

It's 9:45 pm. I am tired and grumpy. Time to sleep. Maybe this will all change one month from now. Maybe!


  1. Don't worry, I've got bridge waiting for you. And bingo.


    Sorry I attacked called your phone last night. It was... interesting. I'll catch you up when I hear from you in a million years.

  2. That sounds terrible! and familiar! I remember one of the guy houses at Jake's and my university having no clean plates left in the house but a mound of dishes. Instead of doing the dishes they would place plastic wrap over the dirty plate and eat off of that.


    P.S. Ask Emily if she remembers the turkey at Jake's green house. If she does, there is a good story.

  3. BATS!!!??? I would have been out of there in the time it takes to scream "rabies!". Nothing freaks me out more than bats.

  4. That's funny. Emily's sister Elaine had bats in her college apartment. Maybe there's an epidemic in college housing.

    Too bad you didn't have a tennis racket on hand. I have fond memories of my Aunt Gertie (great old lady name) sitting on the couch and swatting at bats (just like they were mosquitoes) in her north woods cottage.

    Keep the stories coming Brandon.

    My Best,
    Emily's Mom

  5. Have a great end of month and enjoy Maine and New Hampshire! How I wish I could go to the wicked goods store (best, name, ever) right now.

  6. Oh my goodness. I saw this headline and got so freaked out for a minute. http://tinyurl.com/29kkply Please be careful, guys!

  7. Brandon with crows feet and depends....oh my! It has been quite a summer! And it took till 3 a.m. to get out of the vomit-bat-atorium???? You must have been very tired...